Book Review - "Pushed" and a rant about childbirth

***Disclaimer: This post is in no way making an announcement or hinting at anything. It's just simply me sharing my thoughts and opinions with you. When I become interested in something, I enjoy reading and learning as much as I can on the topic. So, the only announcement I have to make is that I hope and pray this information will be useful to me at some point in the near future. :)

Ironing is a task that can be dreadful, but also enjoyable. The only reason I enjoy it is because it gives me a good excuse to watch TV for 2 or 3 hours straight. A few weeks ago, I had a major mound of ironing needing my attention. There wasn't anything interesting on TV at the time, so I turned to Netflix. I found the documentary, The Business of Being Born, and selected it for my ironing entertainment. I was thoroughly fascinated! The documentary was produced by Ricki Lake. I was surprised to find out she is very much an advocate for natural birth. The documentary looks at modern maternity care; the pros and cons of hospital births, natural births, birthing centers, and home births. It is a bit graphic at points, but incredibly interesting.

Natural birth has always been fascinating to me and I am a big advocate. After watching this documentary, I was even more interested in learning about modern maternity care and strengthening my personal argument for natural birth. I was at the library picking up Inconceivable when I noticed another book next to it on the shelf. Pushed: The Painful Truth about Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care grabbed my attention. At first glance inside the book, I was a little intimidated. I noticed a lot of numbers and statistics. However, once I got started, it was hard to put down. (I know I'm odd for enjoying a book about childbirth when there's not even a hint of necessity. But, that's how I roll).

I enjoyed reading about the history of childbirth and maternity care. It is amazing to think that women were once put into a "twilight sleep" to birth their babies or restrained at the wrists and ankles during labor. Can you imagine!?!?! The author, Jennifer Block, did a great job writing about the progression of intervention used in hospitals and the varying practices doctors use in maternity care.

The author focused a lot on the sad truth that most women are not given many options when considering childbirth. Today's norm is for a woman to go to a hospital, be given Pitocin if labor is progressing as the doctor would like, get an epidural to deal with the pain, be hooked up to all kinds of machines, stay on her back for the duration of labor and delivery. And if all that doesn't flow just as the doctor would like, she is wheeled in for a cesarean section. A woman is often looked strangely or questioned if she expresses interest in anything but this plan. Natural childbirth is often frowned upon, let alone using a midwife in a birthing center. The real kicker is if a woman wants to give birth at home! How dare she!

Now, I'm not here to pass judgement or put other women down. If a woman wants to have an epidural or even schedule a c-section, then go for it! Just don't judge me if I want to do it differently. It boggles my mind to think that it has become so controversial for a woman to want to give birth the way women have for hundreds of years! Why is something "natural" frowned upon? In my opinion, the answer can be summed up in two words: money and liability. Doctors and hospitals are in business and they're scared of being sued. I don't blame them, but that doesn't mean it's right.

I am a supporter of midwives, birthing centers, and home births. I'm not ashamed to say it. One statistic the author gave in Pushed was especially interesting to me. There are only 175 independent birthing centers in all of the United States. In 12 states, there are no birthing centers at all. In 11 states, midwifery is illegal. (Pushed, p. 179) This information is astounding to me. I'm thankful to live in a state where there are still a few birthing centers and even more thankful there is one close to us!

Women should be able to have a choice in how they want to labor and where and how they want to deliver their baby. If a woman wants to schedule a c-section, then she should have that right. But, why is it considered acceptable (and sometimes encouraged) for a woman to schedule a c-section, but not acceptable for a woman to have her baby at home? If a woman can choose to take birth control, kill her baby by abortion, or be cut open to remove her baby, then she should have the right to choose to have a baby at home. Unfortunately, most of society doesn't agree. Did you know that there have been instances where women who have had home births were turned in to social services? That is absolutely ridiculous! There have also been instances where doctors felt that a woman was putting her baby in danger by choosing to have a home birth or refusing a c-section (when the baby was showing NO signs of distress) and the doctors performed a court-ordered cesarean. A court-ordered cesarean! The thought makes my stomach turn!
I understand that the two examples I just gave are extremes, but they are still happening. Such tragedy has occurred within the past 15 years.

I understand that are circumstances that make it difficult or even impossible for a woman to give birth naturally. C-sections are necessary in certain situations. However, I strongly believe that most of the c-sections performed are done so unnecessarily or could be prevented. I'm not going to tell anyone what they can or can't do. I just encourage women to educate themselves and know their facts. Reading this book gave me a lot of insight as to questions I need to ask when I am seeking an obstetrician or midwife. I am thankful for the knowledge I gained. I am thankful women like Jennifer Block are willing to do their research and confront issues such as this.

Since reading this book, I have come across a few websites that have been especially interesting and speak to this issue. Childbirth Connection is a site mentioned several times in Pushed. It contains a wealth of information regarding maternity care and childbirth. Several of the statistics and studies referenced in Pushed can be found on this site.

One last piece of information and I'll get off my soapbox. There was a study published in 2005 by Johnson and Daviss titled "Outcomes of Planned Home Births." The study looked at 5000 planned home births attended by CPW (certified professional midwives). 95% of the women gave birth vaginally and all of the babies were born healthy. (Pushed, p. 264) That says a lot for the support of midwives, natural birth, and home births.

Bradley's Journey

I wanted to share with you a remarkable story of God's power and mercy. Bradley Thomas was born February 7, 2011 at just 23 weeks and 4 days. Weighing only 1 pound 9 oz and 12 1/2 inches long, he has fought for his life. Little Bradley faced months of infections, tests, procedures, therapy, and setbacks. More importantly, by the grace of God, Bradley achieved milestones.

Bradley's arm with his parents' wedding rings. 3 days old.

Bradley Thomas. 13 days old. 1 lb. 14 oz.

Bradley's mom, Corinne, is a childhood friend of mine. I have been blessed to get to know her on a deeper level through Facebook the past few years. At just 23 weeks into her pregnancy, Corinne started having contractions which could not be stopped. The doctors gave her the choice to deliver her baby via c-section, which would most likely prevent her from having any future pregnancies, or to deliver naturally. The risks involved with delivering naturally were the baby could come out feet first, its head could get stuck if it came out feet first, or its umbilical cord could be wrapped around his neck and possibly losing the baby. Corinne writes about that moment, saying: "I asked if I could pray and think about it and while doing do I realized that God already had His plan for Bradley and that if it was in God’s will for Bradley to survive then Bradley was going to survive any way that he was delivered. Against the doctor wishes I delivered Bradley naturally and guess what… he came out feet first, his head did get stuck and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice. I knew that if God’s plan was for us to lose our baby (at this time we still didn’t know if he was a boy or girl), that our baby was going to be in Heaven with Him. I didn’t want to try to go against God’s will and have a c-section because it’s “safer” and hope that the baby would survived."

5 weeks old. 2 lbs.

Following this family through their journey with Bradley has been inspiring to me. Corinne and her husband, Robert, have shown tremendous trust in the Lord with their son's life. They know Bradley is a beautiful gift from God with his own testimony to share. In all of her updates on Bradley, Corinne gives the glory to God for each of Bradley's accomplishments and seeks for God's will when he is struggling. It is especially touching to me to hear experiences of nurses or other parents asking Corinne and Robert how they can stay so positive when dealing with everything going on with Bradley. They are quick to answer that it's by the grace of God and they just trust in Him.

Bradley with his momma and big sister, Libby. 4 months old.

Almost 4 months old.

In one of her updates about Bradley, Corinne wrote:

"In the past 6 months I have had several people ask me, “How do you do it?” or “I couldn’t do it if I were you.” My answer has been “It’s just my life, so I just do it.” The truth is that I do it with the help of God. Bradley Thomas is God’s child and He has blessed me with him. God has trusted me to take care of his children and in this situation; God has trusted me to take care of his sick child. Having Bradley has done nothing but brought me closer to God. I may miss a few church services because I’m visit with Bradley but while I’m at the hospital I am able to read my Bible, talk to people about God, and lift up His Holy Name. This whole situation has also brought some strain to the rest of my family but we are able to pray and talk things out and just take it day-by-day and week by week.

People have also asked me “Why does Bradley keep getting sick if you believe in God so much and if everyone has been praying for him so much?” I don’t fully know the answer to this but I believe that it is so that we can learn to lean even more on God and trust that He is a just God and has a plan. I have faith that this is all in God’s plan and that this is not a punishment for something that we did wrong in the past but it is a gift to help heighten our faith in him for the future."

Bradley stayed in the NICU for several months before being transferred to a trasitional unit. Today, Bradley and his family will celebrate his 1st birthday by bringing him home to his parents, big sister, and big brother. The first year of little Bradley's life has been full of trials, joys, and growth. Bradley still has a long road ahead of him. We know that it is of the Lord's mercies we are not consumed. We have confidence that the Lord who has worked miracles in the first year of Bradley's life has the power to continue working in his life in a mighty way. Be praying for this sweet family as they transition to caring for Bradley at home. Pray for them as they have months and years of decisions, treatments, and therapies. Pray for the Bradley to continue to grow stronger and healthier with each new day. Pray for strength and grace for his parents. Pray for his sister and brother as they face the transition of having their baby brother home. Pray for the Lord to continue to be magnified through the life of this precious gift!

Bradley Thomas. 11 months, 23 days.

Bradley at home in his bed on his 1st birthday!

2Corinthians 12:9-"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

The Day I Went On A Date With My Pastor (Part 4)

Just tuning in? Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of our story before reading the end.

Continued...

The carriage ride was over and we headed to the car. We crossed back over the river toward home and stopped for gas. As Chris was inside the gas station, I gave myself a little pep talk about what was going to come next. I had to be bold and do what I felt was right.

Chris was still carrying on casual conversation as we headed back home. I was becoming more irritated with each passing moment and trying to work up the nerve to say what was on my mind. Finally, as we got about 15 miles from my house, he finally spoke up.

"So, what did you think when I asked you to go out with me tonight?"

Gulp! Here it goes! He's opened the door and I'm charging in!

"Well," I said as I looked out the window away from him, "I want to know what your intentions are."

Now, that's about as bold as I get right there! I thought about being meek and innocent, but I couldn't afford it. I'm pretty sure I caught Chris off guard with this, as he replied with a little chuckle and asked me to clarify. My way of clarifying was to simply ask the question again.

"I want to know what your intentions are."

Then, it all came out.

Chris, very sweetly, told me that he had been watching me for quite some time. He watched me grow, interact at church, make decisions in my life, and handle difficult situations. Throughout that time, he became interested in me and saw a lot of qualities in me that he would like his future wife to have. As he shared with me the feelings of his heart, mine was being captivated. The tears were building in my eyes as I tried to soak in his words. I couldn't believe that after 4 years of battling inward feelings, praying for the feelings to be taken from me, and distancing myself from him, I was hearing these words. It was surreal.

After Chris shared with me his feelings and intentions, he wanted to know my thoughts. I openly shared with him that I had obviously been interested in him for quite some time - like, an embarrassingly long time - and had dealt with many struggles. I shared with him the thoughts I was having and the feelings of my heart. I wanted him to know that I don't see dating as something that is done carelessly. I fully believe in dating with the intent of marriage. Having that view, I wanted to honor my future husband. I strongly felt that Chris was the man I was to marry and felt the Lord leading us in this step. I wasn't quite so bold in telling him those feelings that night, but made it pretty clear. He also made it clear to me by telling me that he wanted to begin this relationship with the intent to marry, but obviously seeking the Lord's guidance every step of the way.

Once the heavy discussion was over and I felt like I was soaring, Chris shared with me the details behind planning our date. My parents knew that we were going out tonight. In fact, he had talked with my parents several months before, getting their permission to court me. Remember my discussion with my mom at the supper table a few nights before? Well, she called Chris after that, concerned that I didn't know it was a date. She thought that I wasn't interested in him and was worried about how it would all play out. Oh, and remember Brittney's phone call that Wednesday night? Yeah, she was also privy to the plan! In fact, Chris had been talking with her, getting her permission, and bouncing ideas off her. Chris had called her after he got off the phone with me that Wednesday to let her know that he had asked me. She later told me that she was dying to let me know she knew what was going on and that I was a horrible actress!

Not only did my parents and my best friend know, but most of the church knew! Many members had been trying to play matchmaker behind the scenes. Chris had been fielding interrogations from different members and had let a few know of his interest. In fact, a few weeks before, one sister came to me as I was cleaning the bathroom at church and wanted to know how I felt about Chris. In attempts to hide my feelings, I simply replied, "he's too high maintenance for me!"

We drove around the little town I lived in for quite a while enjoying the time talking and laughing together. Our perfect evening had to come to an end, but I was ecstatic to know that it was just the beginning of something wonderful. My heart was completely captivated that night. I went to bed, thanking my merciful Father for blessing my life. I was, and am, completely amazed at the perfect peace He filled me with that Wednesday. His timing is nothing but perfect and His plan is amazing.

3 months and 4 days later, Chris asked me to marry him. 4 months and 26 days later, we were married. Now, 4 years after that wonderful date, I am blessed to be spend every day with my pastor, my brother in Christ, my friend, my companion, my encourager, my husband.

As William Cowper wrote, "God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform; He plants His footsteps in the seas, He rides upon the storm."

The Day I Went On A Date With My Pastor (Part 3)

Need to read Part 1 and Part 2?

Continued...

The next 2 days were the longest days ever! I'm pretty sure I didn't even get a total of 10 hours of sleep in 3 nights. I attempted to focus on my school work and carry on about my normal life, but it was extremely difficult. Still not sure if Chris and I were going out on a date or just hanging out as friends, I played the scenarios over in my mind. I knew that whatever happened, my life was going to change that night.

If we were just hanging out as friends, I was going to have to be bold and have a discussion with him that I couldn't keep going on like that. The struggle to guard my heart was becoming too difficult. In order to honor my future husband, I knew that I couldn't keep getting closer to Chris as "friends." Our relationship was becoming more than that to me, and if it wasn't more than that to him, then I needed to draw some extreme boundaries. It would be very difficult to have that discussion with him, but I was convinced it needed to happen.

If, on the other hand, Chris was intending for it to be a date to begin a relationship, my life would also be changing in a big way. I prayed for guidance in this situation. My heart was being pulled toward Chris, but I did not want to begin a relationship with him if it was not of the Lord. I begged God to make His will clear to me, but also to Chris. If this was of the Lord, then I knew that He had to work in both of our hearts and lead us together.

While I was sorting through the mixture of emotions, scenarios, concerns, and excitement, I tried to put on my poker face in front of my family and friends. The only person I had told about my interest in Chris was my best friend, Brittney. I sat in her basement one night shortly after Chris moved to Illinois, crying because I was a 16-year-old falling for my pastor. How ridiculous was that?!?! I was embarrassed, confused, lost, and frustrated. But that was the last I had said anything about it in 4 years. So, it was kind of ironic when Brittney called me that Wednesday evening after my phone call with Chris. She was away at college and wasn't one to call me out of the blue very often. Brittney was very curious about how things were going in my life and if I had anything exciting coming up. I wasn't quite ready to open up about the plans to go out with Chris, so I just played it cool and acted like nothing exciting was happening.

My parents also showed increased interest in my life. That Thursday evening at supper, my mom asked what I had planned for the weekend.

"Oh, I think Chris and I are going to do something together on Saturday night," I nonchalantly mentioned.

"Really? Like a date or something?" mom replied in a more excited tone.

"No, just hanging out." Phew, got through that one by the skin of my teeth!

Saturday morning eventually rolled around. Chris had emailed me, letting me know that the show at the Fox looked like it had inappropriate content, so he was going to figure out something else to do that would be a surprise. This was starting to sound more and more serious! As I was preparing for the evening out (C'mon ladies, you know I started getting ready at 7 that morning!), I talked myself through the game plan. If he shows up with flowers, then it is most definitely a date. In such case, I would do my best to enjoy the evening and wait for him to make his move indicating this was the beginning of something more than just a friendship. If he doesn't have flowers, then it was just hanging out as friends and my wall of emotional defense was going up higher. I wasn't going to let the night go on very long before I put an end to the torment.

Around 6:00 (it was 6:04, but I wasn't watching the clock or anything), I heard Chris talking with my parents in the kitchen. In attempts to not seem too anxious, I took an extra few minutes in my room before making my appearance. As I came down the stairs into the kitchen, my heart sank. There, in his hands, was the most beautiful bouquet of purple flowers. "Lord, guard my heart, lead our hearts, and be with us tonight," was my petition as I stumbled to find the words to say to Chris. I gracious accepted the flowers and turned about 450 shades of red as we prepared to get on our way.

We enjoyed casual conversation as we drove to downtown St. Louis. Still not knowing the plan for the evening, I filled the quiet moments in between conversation with thousands of silent ideas of where we could be going. I was shocked as we pulled up to Union Station and Chris told me we were going to have supper at Landry's Seafood. The conversation over supper was casual and enjoyable. My mind was racing at this point, wondering when he was going to get to the point of the evening.

After supper, we headed back to the car. I was anxious to know what was next, but was too nervous and excited to ask. Chris started driving toward the part of St. Louis know as "The Landing," which is where the Arch is located. He was taking an indirect route to get there, almost seeming as if he was lost. I was thoroughly confused about where we were going. When he pulled into a rocky parking lot on the edge of the Mississippi River, I couldn't figure out what he had up his sleeve. He asked if I knew what we were going to do, but I had no clue. Then he told me that we were going to go on a carriage ride through downtown! I nearly jumped out of my seat as I shouted, "Are you serious?!?" You see, ever since I was a young girl, we would go to St. Louis and see the cute little couples going on a carriage ride. It always looked so romantic! I dreamed of having that perfect date one day.

"Lord, I don't know where this is going or how you're working in this, but guard my heart. I am falling and doing so quickly. Make your will known," was my prayer as we gathered the blankets Chris had brought and got up into the carriage. The ride through downtown was absolutely beautiful. I felt like a princess, except I didn't dare get within arm's reach from Chris! For all I knew, we were just going on a nice ride. He was talking to the carriage driver more than he was talking to me, for Pete's sake!

As I was trying to enjoy the moment, I was becoming concerned and filled with doubts. If he didn't step up and make his move quickly, I was going to put a stop to this. Doesn't he know that I'm not strong enough for this? How dare he think that we can just have this casual night out together without me thinking it's something more? Does he not have any idea of the hurt this is causing me?

To be continued...

The Day I Went On A Date With My Pastor (Part 2)

Missed Part 1 of our story? Read it here.

Continued....

I spent that Wednesday morning in prayer and fasting for the Lord to lead our church, lead me in His perfect way, and to free my mind and heart of the distracting feelings I was having about Chris. It was a busy day at school for me, but I tried to spend every free moment in prayer.

By mid-morning, I could feel the Lord working in miraculous ways. God, in His abundant mercy and grace, was filling me with the most incredible peace I have ever experienced. A great feeling of relief came over me as I felt my Lord speaking to my heart to trust Him. I don't ever recall a time when I felt the Lord speaking to me in a clear voice, but I could just feel it on my heart. As I prayed that morning, "trust me" kept coming to mind. Trust me, trust my perfect timing, trust my leading.

I continued to spend the day praying, but my prayers were focused on the church. I no longer felt the need to beg God to take away the thoughts and feelings about Chris, my desires to be married, or my inward struggles. I wasn't distracted by those thoughts the remainder of the day. My heart felt full and at peace.

We met together for a prayer service that evening at church. I remember the feeling continued throughout the evening. It was a great blessing to meet together with my church family, many of whom had also spent the day in prayer and fasting. It was a sweet prayer service and discussion. I spent a few minutes after services visiting with other members about how the week was going. I don't remember specifically talking with any one about my experience that day. I remember feeling like I wanted to share, but also wanting to keep those intimate moments with the Lord close to my heart. Not only did I want to keep that special experience to myself, but I had not talked to anyone about my feelings for Chris. I didn't exactly want to open up and spill the beans, especially not since I had been feeling such great peace and relief from the thoughts.

As I was visiting, Chris nonchalantly told me he needed to talk to me before I went home. Normally, this would have freaked me out! I would have been torn with feeling total girly excitement, but also anxiety about how this would tear up my heart. But, on this night I didn't think much of it. I continued to enjoy visiting a while longer. For some reason that I don't recall, I had to leave quickly and Chris was busy talking with someone else when I was ready to leave. I caught him on my way to the car and he said he would give me a call later. Again, something that would have normally thrown me into a pure panic attack, but not that night.

Chris and I had gotten to be fairly close friends by this point. We would often ride bikes together with my friend, Shelly. We would also go with a group from church to Sacred Harp singings together. Chris didn't call me very often and when he did it was usually about making plans to ride bikes or go to Sacred Harp. I figured that's what this was about.

My phone rang as I was driving home. After the boring formalities of beginning a conversation, we had a good discussion about the prayer service. Chris then asked me about my experience of the day. I do remember feeling a slight panic at this point. I had a strong desire to be open with him about what I experienced throughout the day, but I didn't want to be too open. I can't remember exactly how our conversation went, but I do remember being fairly open about my experience. I remember sharing with him that I started the day with a burden to pray for the church and also the things I was dealing with in my life. I had talked with him some previously about my struggles with school and with feeling confused about my focuses in life. So during our phone call that evening, I did share with him about the peace I felt in those areas. Our discussion was enjoyable and encouraging to me. It lasted until I got home and for a while longer as I sat in my truck outside my house. We were getting to the end of talking about our experiences of the day and I thought we were wrapping up.

As I was preparing to hang up and head inside to visit with my parents, I heard him ask me something. He asked me what I was doing that weekend. My mind started to go fuzzy, but then I tried to get a grip on reality. My brother was going to Indiana for the weekend to visit a friend (who is now his wife) and had asked me a few weeks back to go along. I had mentioned it to Chris in a conversation, saying that I hadn't decided if I was going to go or not. So, I figured he was asking me in reference to whether I was going with Isaac to Indiana. I told him that I decided not to go with him. I was an expecting him to say, "Good, well I'll see you at church on Sunday then," but that's not what came next.

"Well, I was wondering if you would like to do something with me on Saturday?" (*Note: This is not an exact quote. I'm sure he was much more polished and suave in his questioning, but my memory is a little fuzzy about the details.)

Now, my heart started going crazy at this point and my mind was spinning. I wasn't sure if he was asking me to hang out as friends or asking me on a date. Surely he wasn't asking me on a date, because I had been feeling such great peace throughout the day. Maybe it was just Satan trying to have one up on the Lord working on my heart? That had to be it.

I stumbled around to find an answer that sounded good...you know, interested in doing something but not desperate. Chris that he was thinking of going to see a show at the Fox Theater. He was going to check into the show times and give me an email about the time on Saturday. Somehow, I managed to blubber my way through the end of the phone call and headed in the house. I remember walking into the house and being in a state of shock. I couldn't figure out what had just happened. I visited with my parents a few minutes about the day, then headed up to bed.

As I laid in bed, I closed out my day of prayer. I thanked God for feeling His presence throughout the day and for the sweet peace He gave to me. I also begged God to continue leading me. I wanted so desperately to guard my heart. How could God have so boldly spoken His peace to me just a few hours earlier, yet now I had to deal with the feelings more than ever? Once again I cried out to the Lord, and once again He answered me with "trust me." Trust me, trust my perfect timing, trust my leading.

To be continued....

The Day I Went On A Date With My Pastor (Part 1)

On November 10, 2007, Chris took me out on a date that would begin our courtship. I can remember the day so clearly. I can feel the emotions just as if it was yesterday.

Our story actually begins several years before this date...

For several years, I had been dealing with a multitude of struggles. I was enrolled in college, yet struggled with seeing a purpose. I wanted grow to be a Godly and virtuous woman, yet struggled to fit in with my peers. I desired to be a wife and mother, yet struggled to trust in the Lord's perfect timing. Inward battles were fought daily, often ending in emotional defeat.

In the midst of searching, learning, and praying about who and what the Lord was calling me to be, I was dealing with having an interest in a young man. To add to my torment and confusion, this young man also happened to be my pastor. From the time Chris moved to Illinois to pastor the church in which I grew up, we had a brother-sister relationship. Our relationship changed over the years to brothers and sisters in Christ and friends. Having a brother and friend in Christ is a wonderful blessing. But like most blessings in our life, Satan viewed it as an open door.

I had an interest in Chris from early on in our relationship as brothers and sisters in Christ and friends. Knowing I was too young and not nearly close to being ready for marriage, I fought to overcome my feelings. It was incredibly tough, but the Lord was merciful. My daily (and usually hourly) prayer was for the Lord to remove these feelings from my heart and mind. I just knew they weren't honoring or justified. Not only was I young, but Chris wasn't showing any interest in me, so it was pointless!

Dealing with the struggles of my heart brought me to a very low point in the fall of 2007. At the same time, the church was also going through some difficult times. Chris encouraged the members to spend a day fasting and praying for guidance. I spent a better portion of Wednesday, November 7, 2007 fasting and praying. I prayed for the Lord to lead Chris as our pastor and the church to do His will. I prayed for the Lord to guide me in making decisions about school and in my walk with Him. Finally, I begged God to give me a peace of mind and contentment with being single. I cried out to Him to take away my thoughts and interests in Chris and fill me with honoring thoughts. I was cast down, weak, and barely hanging on.



To be continued...

Book Review - Same Kind of Different As Me

Synopsis from official website:

"It begins outside a burning plantation hut in Louisiana... and an East Texas honky-tonk... and, without a doubt, in the heart of God. It unfolds in a Hollywood hacienda... an upscale New York Gallery... a downtown dumpster... a Texas ranch. Gritty with pain and betrayal and brutality, it also shines with an unexpected, life-changing love."

My Thoughts:

I could go on and on about this book, but I will try to keep my thoughts short.

This book is wonderfully inspiring and moving. I've read a lot of books that have convicted me, caused me to spend much time in deep thought, or brought tears to my eyes. Same Kind of Different as Me had such an effect, but to a greater degree than any book before. What a wonderful story of love, grace, mercy, and God's mysterious ways. My heart was touched by the testimony of committing a marriage to the Lord. I was convicted by the example of love and grace shown to someone the world would see as unworthy. Tears filled my eyes as I read of the struggles of life overcome by the unfailing mercy shown by our Lord. The best part about the book? It's a true story. Unlike novels I've read before which have left me speechless, I know that this isn't just a made-up story to please readers. It's real. The fact that it is a true story broke my heart at times while reading, yet filled me with comfort and joy at other times.

Written by two men from polar opposite backgrounds, Same Kind of Different as Me is a unique read. I loved the contrasting language and manner of writing between Ron Hall and Denver Moore. Both men were able to write in such a way that I felt as if I were in the story. I could see the cotton fields and feel the loneliness of Denver's homeless life. I could feel the pain and despair of Ron going through losing his best friend. I laughed, cried, and lifted up praise right along with the storytellers.

Please do yourself a favor and read this book. You will not be disappointed. Then when you're finished, recommend it to a friend. Spread the news of abounding grace, unconditional love, and unfailing mercy.

One Thousand Gifts

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

(1 Thessalonians 5:18)

"I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth."
(Psalm 34:1)

These two verses have been on my mind and heart for a couple of weeks. I've tried to spend a lot of time meditating and praying on the depth of these verses. What does it look like to give thanks in everything? How does it sound to continually have the praises of the Lord in my mouth?

I was always taught not to use such definitive words in my writings because they are binding. How is the Word of God binding us in these two verses? These verses aren't merely suggestions. They are commandments. As a follower of Christ, I am to give thanks in every situation and continually have words of praise flowing from my mouth. That is a challenge for me.

Keep those thoughts in mind as I digress for just a moment. I will come back to this.

As I mentioned earlier this year, it is my goal to read at least 50 books in 2011. I started making my list at the end of last year. I asked friends for suggestions, checked out some "must read" lists, and got a few ideas from some blogs I stalk. One book suggested on a blog was One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. At the time that I added it to my list, I only knew that it is written by a Christian, homeschooling mom of 6 and it's about living your life more fully for Christ.

I was out running some errands this past Monday and decided to stop into the Christian bookstore. As I was walking around, I noticed One Thousand Gifts sitting out on a display shelf. It grabbed my attention for two reasons: I knew it was on my list and it was on sale! So, I took a copy, found another book on my list, and headed out the door. The cover of the book is so attractive and had me excited to start reading immediately. (I go against the rule of not "judging a book by it's cover." I do it all the time!)

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No doubt, God was working my life through this book. As soon as I started reading, I just smiled and sighed. This is one of my favorite passages from the book so far:

"The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning "grace." Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks.

But there is more, and I read it. Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy." Joy.

...As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible. Joy is always possible. Whenever, meaning - now; wherever, meaning - here. The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be - unbelievably - possible! The only place we need to see before we die is this place of seeing God, here now." (One Thousand Gifts, p. 32-33)

I'm only a few chapters into the book, but I have had several moments of deep sighing, smiling in awe, and "yes, that's it." The author challenges herself (and the readers) to have joy and give thanks in all things. She does this by seeing the gifts of God in the small, seemingly mundane parts of life. She begins making a list of one thousand gifts in her day-to-day life. Her words are simply poetic, beautiful, and filled with praises for God's creation.

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Remember the two verses on my mind and my thoughts on them? Perhaps I am beginning to find an answer for what it looks like to give thanks in all things and to bless the Lord at all times.

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I give thanks that God is God and I am not. I give thanks for that His mercies are new each morning. I give thanks for the beauty of the life around me. I give thanks for salvation and the peace in knowing He is on the throne. I praise Him for the strength, mercy, and protection to get through trials. I praise His perfect plan. I praise Him for the storms of life that make us stronger.

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I have started my own list of one thousand gifts from God in my life. I won't share all one thousand with you, but I will share a few from time to time. These are a few on my list for today.

• books which speak the words and thoughts of my heart
• mornings warm with the sun's rays and ribbons of cool breeze
• warm towels to hug my shoulders
• the song of birds floating in through the windows
• hot tea as the perfect companion during time in the Word
• journal pages filled with reminders of those who need the Father's mercy and grace
• early morning kisses to carry me through the day
• music of praise filling the house
• freshly cleaned clothes
• a house to tend and keep clean
  

A Burden to Pray

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My heart has been burdened to pray for the young men and women serving Christ. As I think about the church in which I grew up, the church where I am currently a member, and the several churches we attend, I am saddened by the lack of young members. I am thankful for the handful of young men and women who are convicted to be at church on Sunday morning and worship our Lord. However, when I think that the youth are the future of the Church, I feel great concern for what the Church will look like in the future.

I know that when I was young, church wasn't always the most "fun" place to go. I can remember sulking in the pew, thinking of all the things that I would rather be doing, and shooting outside as soon as the last "amen." So, I can see myself in a lot of the youth of today. I understand where they're at, yet that doesn't stop me from being concerned.

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I pray that the young members will feel a burden to actively worship. I pray that the young men might feel a burden to exhort, lead singing, pray, or perhaps even preach. I pray that the young women will feel burdened to sing praises, pray silently in their pews, listen attentively, learn from the older women, and help serve the members through lunch. I pray that the youth will feel burdened to commit to a life of serving Christ, in and outside of the church building.

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If the church is going to continue to grow and prosper, it is necessary for the young members to be steadfast, marry fellow believers, and raise their children in the church. I feel an especially strong burden to pray for those desiring to marry. I have many friends and family who have a heart to marry a Godly spouse, yet find the outlook discouraging. My heart aches for those who desire to find the one who will love them as Christ loves the church, who will be the spiritual leader of the home, who will support them in raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, who will protect their hearts. I pray they are blessed to be a helpmeet. I pray they will hold fast to their beliefs and their desires; not wavering or settling for anything less.

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When I think of the youth who profess to be followers of Christ, I pray for God put a hedge of protection around them. It was hard to stay strong in my beliefs as a teenager, but I can imagine it's even harder for teenagers today. There are so many negative influences in the world and it's getting harder and harder to steer clear. I pray the youth will feel convicted to dress and act modestly. I pray they will treat the opposite sex with respect. I pray they will guard their hearts, flee from lust, have strength to say "no." I pray they will not be afraid to be different, set apart, strong in knowing what is right and wrong. I pray they will seek God's will in relationships, choosing a college, and deciding on a career. I pray their Bibles don't sit on a shelf collecting dust; but rather be a lamp unto their feet and a light unto their path.

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Do you feel burdened? Join me on your knees, begging God to have mercy and power in the lives of young men and women. Pray for strength, direction, and steadfastness. Pray for increased zeal, conviction, dedication. Pray for the Church.